Today marks 1 year since we came home without our baby boy. His birthday was two days ago....it has been the hardest year of my life and also one that has grown me more in depth and understanding. To truly know what it means to trust. Let me just say, God knows exactly what we need. Today I had a very unexpected conversation with a brand new friend. Let's just say that she GETS IT! She understands all I have felt and today, on the 1 year anniversary, we happened to connect. I am grateful. I don't think I knew that I needed to cry and share our story, but I did. God knew. I needed to hear her story too! God knew!
In this past year I have felt pain I never knew possible. I lost multiple people that I loved so much. I learned what anxiety felt like. I struggled to trust and believe in God's goodness. I was buried, overwhelmed and weary. I received counseling from a beautiful woman who knows how to tend to grieving hearts. I learned that things aren't all sunshine and rainbows when walking in obedience to the Lord. I learned that I have exactly zero control (and that's ok). I learned that I don't always get what I want and desire (and that's ok too). I learned what it truly means to trust in the Lord and pray for what He wants, not what I want. I learned what it means to have a true eternal perspective. I learned what faith means and how it can continually get deeper. And I learned that EVEN IF this life brings unimaginable pain, I will be ok. Those two words...."EVEN IF".... The Lord has used those very words to bring me peace and healing. Even if the worst happens, He is still God. He still wins. He is still my eternity. He will walk with me and bring me peace and hope. Even if..........I will be ok and I still believe in all He says in His word.
I will follow (Listen to this. It's so good.)
At the end of this year I have healed up some. I trust in His will and His way. I know that no matter what I will be ok. And I have joy and peace that can only come from the Lord. Thank you Lord, that "even if" we are more than ok.