Miscarriage....this is the word Andy used to describe how he felt. Like we just had a miscarriage. It's so accurate. I had a miscarriage years ago so I feel like I can say that knowing how accurate it is. We had really felt like there was a specific girl out there in Ethiopia that had already been conceived that we were just plunging head first into praying for, working for and waiting for. It doesn't feel like all hope is lost, it just feels like we lost this one. Yet we press on.
I talked to our case worker at our agency yesterday in depth. We discussed reasoning for the wait, options, direction, money, time....annnnd I cried through most of it. Poor girl had to listen to me cry. She was so sweet. She understood the hurt. She was very forthcoming and even encouraged us to seek out other programs/countries and if we felt led, agencies. She also cautioned me on other agencies working with Ethiopia. Telling me the wait is long due to the country not the agency so to be wary on agencies offering short wait times. There is a lot of crooked people out there.....it kills me. Then she said they have so many children in their orphanages in Ethiopia that she would love to just email me a referral to tomorrow, but she can't. It's beyond their control. A lot of it lies on the the government there and the requirements, the rate at which they process things and the strictness of the regulations. The country wants to be sure their children are taken care of, not just shipped out. I can respect that. It takes a long time and she honestly said (which I respect the honesty) our wait is likely to increase consistently. Yet another gut punch.
She gave me details on other programs, other countries etc etc....She also gave me testimony of families who started with one country. Feeling totally led to it. Then, down the road switch programs and get a child that they KNOW God meant for them. Had they never started down path "a" and had that wait time, they never would have had the baby at the end of path "b". She also encouraged me that some people stick out the wait. (The ever long, exhausting, wait.) And know it was right. They get the child they know God intended for their family. There is no wrong answer. There is just the path God leads you down at the cross roads. Now we just need to know what path we take.
We have been through this type of thing before. Feeling led one direction with something, doors closing, and later seeing exactly why God led us that direction in the first place. I struggled for a while. Did I even hear God's leading? Then it felt so clear that yes, we had heard. We followed. and once we got to a fork in the road HE led us to the right and not the left, like we had expected. It isn't always how we expect or plan. BUT, that doesn't mean it's wrong. It is just that HIS ways are higher than mine, HIS thoughts are not my thoughts, HIS plan is perfect mine is....well....mine.
So, we pray for direction. Ask questions, research and ultimately follow the Lords leading. Wherever that may take us. We still have no answer to that. Yet.
And can I just say I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD?! I have had so many women checking in, praying for me, over me, with me, encouraging me, crying with me......We are blessed. And I'm not being cliche. I truly am. Beyond measure. The support is overwhelming. (In a good way of course) :)
P.S. The boys know nothing of these possible changes, wait time etc. We are waiting until we have a clear path before saying anything. We want to be certain before we speak. Nahum's poor sweet heart can't handle too much in this area. He is so sensitive and talks about his sister daily. Kills. Me!